This has been a pretty difficult week for me, emotionally. I had a hard conversation with Ruthe last night. It was stressful, and I don’t really remember most of the conversation, but I wound up being the bad guy again – the guy who was interested, and then just…wasn’t. Just like every other guy who’s been interested in her.
Ultimately, I think there were three things going on that I just wasn’t prepared to deal with.
First, she self-admits to having ‘Center of Attention Deficit Disorder’ – and I’d have to agree, she’s kind of high maintenance in that regard. When she was in town, I felt like it was expected that I would spend my time with her, and when she was out of town, I felt like it was expected that I would still spend my time (though not as much time, but certainly some prime time hours that corresponded with the middle of whatever it was I was doing that evening) with her on the phone. I felt like ‘her’ stuff (her awards program, her techie girls, her travel stories, her stories about her friends) were significantly more important than mine. I’d talk about my day at work, or tell a story about my past, and immediately it felt like, ‘well, isn’t that nice…how about we focus on me again? Did I tell you about…’
That’s on me, though – in a different place, I’d really be happy to have someone wanting that time and space with me. Right now, it’s just not a place I want to be.
Second, the relationship that was developing was in a lot of ways similar to the relationship that I had with Ann. They both are successful, educated, independent, and have a certain way of doing things. I dunno, maybe it’s as simple as I like taking my own damn garbage out? I have no idea. There was just a similarity there to my previous relationship that I wasn’t comfortable with.
Third, I just wasn’t feeling the ‘chemistry’. I want to feel *excited* to see the person I’m seeing. I want to look forward to the time we spend together from the very moment I get up in the monring. As awesome a human being as Ruthe is, I just wasn’t feeling that kind of connection, as much as I wanted to, and I REALLY tried to be excited about the prospect of a future with Ruthe.
I got to spend some time with Ann on Wednesday night, too, which served to highlight some of the issues I was struggling with. I don’t know that my relationship there is really where I want to be, either, but when Ann said her water heater went out, and her shower in the morning was going to suck, it was just the natural, right thing to do to offer her my shower. It was really comfortable hanging out. No real expectations, just some good conversation, and we were finally able to talk about the end of our relationship without it devolving into he said, she said arguments. It was good.
I don’t really know where I’m going from here, but I’m feeling a lot better about it today than I was a few days ago.