Dear Microsoft…

Not my work…a friend who recently got a Dell XPS 1330 (why, oh, why didn’t they make an upgraded model the 1337?) with the virus called Vista on it wrote this. It deserves to be free…which is why I asked if I could post it here.

Dear Windows,

You win.

That is to say: I give up.

I just give up. I’ve always thought that I was pretty good with computers. People have told me that I am. People other than my parents, to boot. And I believed them. For some silly, silly, silly reason, I believed them. I suppose that was my computer childhood, because now, suddenly, computer puberty has struck, and the awkwardness has reached deep down into the very testicles of my heart and has them in a vice grip.

I have wrenched apart and rearranged my very soul attempting to understand your product. I really, honestly have. I’ve heard some good things about Windows Vista. And it looks nice. It looks great. But you’d think that would have been my first clue, wouldn’t you?

My laptop has 1 gigabyte of memory, but it’s still slow like all unbelieving and godless fuck. You’d think that one gig of memory would provide a fairly efficient, speedy computer. I did, at least. But no. Your OS is so fucking flashy, so state-of-the-art, so "THE FUTURE IS NOW" that majority of that memory is spent on making sure each window fades away slowly as I close it, looking mysterious and beeping like a 90s sci-fi flick that the Sci-Fi channel would spoil it’s panties over that there’s probably about 100 MB left to make sure the goddamn thing can wipes its own ass. Even when I finally managed to disable your super technological Gizmagadget 2000 interface of the future (complete with thumbprint reading! Golly gee, computers sure do some wacky cool things these days, huh, Johnny?), this thing still runs at the speed of a gasoline-powered pillbug– which is to say that if it’s required to run two programs at once, it curls up into a little ball and cries itself to sleep until I get pissed off because it’s so goddamn boring to watch a frozen screen and listen to this computer’s poor little brain click in confusion that I stamp it into fucking pieces.

That’s not all.

Computers have never made me feel stupid. Ever. Never ever ever ever has a computer talked down to me. I could disable the assistant in Microsoft Word (I have OpenOffice now, because I realized what a tool the Microsoft Office suite is), I never downloaded (or, god forbid, contracted) Bonzi Buddy, I never required any assistants or overly simple wizards. With every computer I’ve owned, starting back at the age of seven, I’ve been able to figure out how to do things on my own.

But o-o-o-oh. Here comes Vista, the smarmy yuppie in a pastel yellow polo of the computer generation. Not only is it stuffed to the brim of it’s puckered asshole with new and amazing technology, but it also has the built-in ability to give a gigantic "fuck you" to anyone that would like to do something the old fashioned way. No more doing things in a way you’re familiar with. Now you get to fuck around and be annoyed by and scream at an impossible aggravating interface that treats you like a special needs child! "Here’s your pictures!" he coos. "And heres your videos! I found them for you! Look at me, mommy, I’m succeeding!"

Attention Windows: despite the depressing number of morons that own a computer today, not everyone that uses your product is using a computer solely for pictures, videos, and music. Thanks for the easy access to them. I see them. Can I please get to the rest of my computer now? Thanks.

Moving on: not only is the layout so embarrassingly, insultingly simple– you had to go ahead and make sure that I know every time something goes wrong. I love your error messages. I love having to confirm an action you’re performing. Even more than that, I love confirming it twice. You have no idea how hot and wet that makes me. I love making sure that every time I click a button, I have to make sure it’s okay with you. Oh, yes, master, demean me more.

I know what the fuck I’m doing. Got it? I don’t need a computer that’s dogging my every step like a sick puppy, begging to know where I’m going, making sure that I’m sure that I want to do that, and am I sure? and here’s a little yellow speech bubble (how neat-looking) in the bottom right corner reminding me that I just did something and fuck off.

Your product sucks. Your product is so unbelievably bad that it daily reduces me to an inhuman gibbering pile of mush, absolutely shocked that anyone could be dumb enough to need an OS this- this- this shitty. This awful. This aggravating and stupid and demeaning.

I’m insulted that you even had the balls to market this toward your long-time customers. I am ashamed to even breathe the word "Vista", much less let anyone know that I’ve even touched the product.

I have christened your latest addition to the wonderful world of operating systems "Windows Downs". And I honestly hope that one person that reads this letter has a child with Downs syndrome so that they might feel one fraction of the insult I have felt for the past thirty-six hours that I’ve used this by-product.

I’m switching to Linux.

Much love,
L.A.