Here’s the thing.
I chose not to go to Dragonfest.
OK. That left you in a bind, shorthanded, understaffed, on your own. I accept that, and have sympathy for the rough time you had.
I accept responsibility for making your week harder than it might otherwise have been (presuming, of course, that I didn’t sleep my whole week away, like Jellystone – that would have engendered a whole OTHER level of anger, frustration, and resentment for you, I’m sure)
Your reply to my choice was “If you don’t go to Dragonfest, *you* are ending our relationship”
The emphasis is mine, but the fact remains that you never once said that if I didn’t go YOU would break up with ME – even though that’s the fully understood implication, My Action (skip DF) —> Your Reaction (End Relationship).
*MY* choice was because I was freaking the hell out about the prospect of living in (and living out of) that hot, stifling, miserable RV for a week. I was having little panic attacks (the kind where it feels like someone is squeezing your heart) over that prospect – but I never got to describe that to you. You were too busy giving ultimatums about going, to want ask questions, listen to me, and work as a team.
Ultimately, when you left, you made it clear that you were taking my actions (or inactions) as just cause to end the relationship. That’s fair. It is just cause. Not being willing to be in a relationship with someone who left you high and dry like that is totally fair. I can accept that.
You made it clear that (as a direct reaction to being left high and dry) we were done, and this was goodbye, then you got in the RV and left for over a week – and I had that time to myself to consider who I was, where I was, and where I was going (which, I reiterate, you made very clear was “not here” – by way of telling Maggie while you were gone that I’d be moving out*.
Today, and into tonight, however, you talked about counseling, you apologized repeatedly, you basically seemed willing to jump through whatever hoops you felt you needed to in order for “me” to reconsider “my” decision to end the relationship (which in reality, you decided, and which actually happened back on the 31st).
You don’t get to do that.
You don’t get to dictate to me on the 30th that “I’m breaking up with you”, go away for a week, then come back angry, refuse to acknowledge my presence for the vast, vast majority of the next day, and then decide (without communicating!) that it was totally up to me to reach out to you because you’re the hurt party.
There’s no room for me to tell you that that your words, your ultimatums, your namecalling (MAN UP!), your ‘I guess this is goodbye’, and your stubborn refusal to acknowledge my presence in the same room with you were *also* hurtful, and that *I*, too, was the hurt party here.
Nope. This is largely about YOUR hurt feelings, not OUR hurt feelings, and certainly not MY hurt feelings – which is exactly what I meant when I said “I feel like we’ll go through all this crap, you’ll get your feelings addressed, and I’ll be left standing there like a sucker.”
…and that’s ultimately why I’m ok with you telling me that I broke up with you on the 31st. ‘Cuz it’s gotta be my fault.
* For the record: “Oh, no…he’s not actually moving out now” is TOTALLY not going to fly – it needs to move forward, and it needs to be demonstrated to Maggie that it’s *NOT* the end of the world, it’s just part of life that sometimes things don’t work out the way you’d hoped, but it’s OK.